Categories
Breakups are always difficult, but when your BDSM relationship comes to an end, it can be even more difficult. The master-slave dynamic comes with such a level of trust that when one side violates that, either by cheating or deciding that they no longer want the relationship, it can leave the other person reeling. Often times, the reaction to that initial pain will only make things worse.
Immediately after the breakup, there may be a desire to continue the BDSM relationship. It is possible to have a good master / slave relationship without having a romantic relationship, but once the romantic element has been brought into things, it is difficult to separate it. It is not like oil and water that will eventually disintegrate. It’s more like a cake, where you can’t just scoop out the individual ingredients. The constant reminder of what used to be makes it impossible to heal. Worse still, the positive feelings you used to have for each other will be replaced by anger and bitterness. I have seen some of these relationships succeed after both parties have been alone long enough to erase any romantic feelings towards the other person. If you have any hope of rekindling the romance through the BDSM relationship, it will only end in pain. And that is a pain that has no pleasure.
If you were the Master in the relationship, you might feel unusually powerless when wondering if you did something wrong that led to this. These feelings are typical at the end of any relationship, but since a Master is expected to know and understand his slave’s needs as well as his own, there is that additional level of doubt. Slaves on the receiving end of a breakup might wonder if they somehow did something wrong to make it happen. Giving full control of your body and soul to this person makes the rejection even more acute. There is no quick fix for these emotions. Only time and patience will help you accept what happened. Keep in mind that sometimes you can get everything right and things still don’t work out. In most relationships there is no bad boy to blame.
One of the biggest mistakes people make is jumping straight into a new BDSM relationship after one ends. While this may temporarily distract your mind from the feelings associated with the previous relationship, they will end up feeling even worse than before. It is not fair to start a master / slave relationship if you are not fully focused on the other party. If you come in with luggage, you will not be able to really meet the other person’s needs, you will only use them to try to stop your own pain.
Finally, no matter how angry you get at the other person, you cannot violate the privacy of your relationship. BDSM is not yet fully accepted in society and by “ratting out” on your ex as part of the lifestyle, you will lose all credibility for any future relationships. Not to mention, they probably have information about you that you would rather not have available. If you are unable to speak calmly with your ex, bring in a neutral third party to help mediate the division of your BDSM property, including pictures, toys, and equipment. In general, it is better to destroy videos and images to prevent them from leaking in the future. How you split the other things up is up to the two of you, but in my experience, it may be best to ditch everything to start over. You don’t want a bad memory to come back at an inopportune time in the future.
When a relationship ends, it is always difficult, but the specific issues involved in BDSM relationships mean that you may not have anyone to talk to about it. If you are not part of a larger BDSM community, this may be a good time to join one. They are not only good at meeting new people, but also at discussing your feelings with other people who have been there.
