Friendship is one of life’s greatest gifts. It’s a fulfilling relationship shared by two people who care about each other, trust each other, and only want what’s best for each other. A good friendship is honest, loyal and truthful; good friends understand and accept each other like no one else can.
A healthy friendship feels good for both parties. It is positive, supportive, and comforting whether times are good or bad. The friends see each other at the best and worst of times, and through it all, the relationship remains uplifting and fun. Friends make us laugh, feel good about ourselves; they enhance our life experience.
Sometimes an initially healthy and energizing friendship becomes heavy and oppressive; the needy scale begins to tip in one direction and never balances again. Being together is no longer fun, almost every encounter turns downright depressing. But your friend was there for you in the past, and you feel compelled to be there for him or her now. The problem is that your debt never seems to be paid off.
If you are wondering whether or not you have an emotionally needy friend, consider the following questions:
1. Despite all your help, does your friend always seem unhappy?
2. Are you helping your friend more than your friend is helping you?
3. Does your friend dominate every phone call or interaction by talking about their problems?
4. Does your friend show little or no interest in your life or problems?
5. Does your friend make the same mistakes over and over again or choose one destructive relationship after another?
6. Does your friend feel better after leaving you and leave you worse?
7. Would you like to be able to avoid contact with your friend?
8. Do you feel trapped in friendship?
9. Do you dread every encounter with your friend, or does each encounter leave you feeling drained and exhausted?
You are probably a very good listener and want to be a good friend; you want to support him in whatever situation your friend is going through. That’s understandable. But be clear about what it means to be a good friend and what it means to be supportive.
A healthy friendship is reciprocal and balanced; it requires the same amount of give and take, time and effort. Good friends act as sounding boards for each other: problems bounce back and forth; they are not absorbed. A friendship is not a therapist/patient relationship.
The exchange of support in a healthy friendship should lead to personal growth, not emotional dependency. Supporting a friend means giving them a hand, not a handout. A good friend will appreciate your kind and generous efforts, not take advantage of them and become dependent on you. A good friend respects you, he doesn’t want to be a burden to you.
Why do you allow yourself to stay in a sick friendship? Ask yourself these questions:
1. Do you need or like to feel needed?
2. Do you see yourself as the glue that holds people together?
3. Is a friend in need better than no friend at all?
4. Is your friend fun to be around once in a while, so you justify him or her being depressing the other 90% of the time?
5. Do you consider that the problems of others are more important than your own?
6. Do you take on other people’s problems so you don’t focus on your own?
7. Do you feel unworthy of healthy relationships?
8. Do you feel guilty when you say no?
9. Do you have trouble defining and protecting your personal boundaries?
If your friend has been in need for a significant amount of time and imbalance has become the pattern of your relationship, it will be very difficult to change the nature of your friendship.
You may have scared all the other friends away and you’re the only person still hanging around, but that’s not your problem: people have to learn to fend for themselves. You must never do for others what they are capable of doing for themselves. We should want to make our friends stronger and more self-sufficient, not weaker and more dependent. Sometimes that requires tough love.
There are ways to deal with a friend in need. Here are some suggestions:
1. Be honest. Tell your friend what is bothering you and how it affects you. Explain to him that you can no longer play that role.
2. Change the nature of your relationship. Set limits and know when to say no.
3. Plan nice things to do with your friend to change your focus. When the fun is over, your time together should be over. Don’t let every friendly interaction end with you listening to their problems.
4. Suggest that the person find other friends, join clubs, or volunteer to take the pressure off. It is unreasonable for friends to expect you to be their only one.
5. Tell your friend that you have to focus on taking care of your own needs and/or the needs of your family.
6. Take a break from friendship. You deserve a break and you deserve to enjoy your life.
7. Stay busy. Fill your schedule with plans, commitments, and time with other friends.
8. Gradually move away from the friendship by spending less and less time with the person.
9. Tell your friend to seek professional therapy. If he or she is already seeing a therapist and isn’t getting better, insist that your friend find another.
10. Advise the person to see a doctor who can do a proper evaluation and, if necessary, prescribe anti-anxiety or depression medication.
11. If you’ve tried everything and nothing works, it’s time to say goodbye to friendship.
If you are in an unbalanced relationship with a friend in need, there is no better time than the present to remedy the situation. Both will benefit from your efforts. If you have a pattern of attracting and perpetuating these types of friendships, it’s time to look inward and find out why these types of friendships are acceptable to you. It’s not healthy behavior and often indicates a bigger problem.
http://randigfine.com/amigos-emocionalmente-necesitados/
