If you spend any time researching why men cheat on their wives, I’m pretty sure you’ll read about this theory of why men cheat. Many experts have been quite outspoken about their claims that a man’s cheating has less to do with sex or his attraction to his wife and more to do with the husband himself feeling unappreciated.
Supposedly, due to this lack of appreciation, the moment another woman listens to the husband, notices his efforts and attributes, and seems to appreciate him, the marriage is vulnerable to an affair. And if the woman who appreciates him is loving and available, then an affair is much more likely and the marriage is much more vulnerable.
I understand why the experts speak and believe this. And you really can’t blame them. Their theories are a direct reflection of what men tell them about their reasons for cheating. And men will definitely tell you that one of the biggest contributing factors to cheating on them is feeling unappreciated. Numerous men have contacted me on my blog and told me the exact same thing. And these men believe what they are saying. They don’t see this as an excuse. They just see it as the truth.
Feeling unappreciated is not a valid reason to cheat, but this reasoning still holds important clues for wives: This is the point that I think many people miss. While I don’t doubt that men who cheat feel slighted, why is that an excuse to cheat? In my opinion, almost everyone feels unappreciated in their marriage at some point in their lives. But not everyone cheats.
The real question, at least for me, is why would someone who doesn’t feel appreciated cheat and then create an even bigger problem in their marriage? Wouldn’t it be a better course of action to ask your spouse for more attention and appreciation rather than simply looking for the same thing elsewhere? (Of course, many people who cheat will tell you they’ve cheated and been ignored or told they expected too much or were overreacting.) That is why I think it is very important that we change our minds on this. It is vital that both spouses understand that there is never any justification for cheating when they have the ability to communicate and ask for what they need. Likewise, it’s very important to create an open atmosphere in your marriage where both people feel safe and supported to talk about these kinds of things.
That said, the truth is that when someone cheats, there is no way to take it back, no matter how or why it happened. That’s why it’s important to focus on the insights we can draw from this and use in the future. It lets us know that this is a place where men in particular are very vulnerable. We don’t necessarily have to agree with or understand this reasoning to know it’s there. And this gives us some clues as to where we should turn our attention if we never want to deal with infidelity again.
For example, although I don’t think this is an excuse, I want my husband to be faithful to me from now on. So I make sure that we both feel appreciated, listened to and valued. It’s the right thing to do, and it has benefits for me, my marriage, and my own well-being as well. I’ve found that if he does his best to provide his spouse with what is important to him, he will often do the same, at least to the best of his ability.
How to handle it when your husband claims he cheated on you because he didn’t appreciate you: So what do you do when you’re on the receiving end of this argument? I know it can be maddening to constantly hear what sound like lame excuses for cheating. I recently heard from a woman who said, in part, “He says he cheated on me because I didn’t appreciate him, but how ridiculous to say it. I’m the least appreciated person in my family, but I’m faithful. I want to tell him he’s acting like a child.” Do I have to constantly feed his ego and reassure him to be faithful to me? It’s silly.”
I understand feeling this way. These points are valid. But sometimes you have to ask yourself which point of view is best for you in the long run. The point is that you can either debate this endlessly with your husband and remain defensive about it, or you can try to come to some sort of understanding so that you can move on.
I’ve always suggested acknowledging these feelings even if you don’t agree with them. People can’t control what they feel, but they can control their reactions to those feelings. When you’re ready, a suggested script (especially when you want to save your marriage) might go something like this. “I hear what you’re saying, though I don’t necessarily agree with you. And I don’t think feeling slighted is a valid reason to break your wedding vows. I wish you’d come to me about this before I did.” something you can never get back. In the future, you will need to communicate better because it will never be acceptable for you to cheat. But the problem before us now is where do we go from here? I want us to rebuild a healthy marriage and I want us both to have what we need to be happy. I will make an effort to make you feel more appreciated but you have to communicate your feelings and ask directly for what you need. I can’t read your mind, so I won’t always know what your needs are unless you communicate them to me.”
