“Develop self-esteem in your children”
Self-esteem (SE) is your child’s internal barometer of how he views himself. It is the fundamental value or the value that they assign to themselves. SE is the main resource that affects the degree of happiness or unhappiness, success or failure that your child will experience in the world.
Our children’s EE begins in infancy and by the time our children are 5 years old they have already learned about 75% of what they will use for the rest of their lives, and the foundation of their EE is beginning to harden.
There are 3 main factors that affect EE in our children. These factors can make our children prosper or wither.
1. The amount of love, respect, and open affection parents have for each other:
This is truly the best gift a parent can give a child. Parents must be truly in love. My experience and research have clearly shown that our children are not so interested in expensive gifts, cars, jewelry, clothes, money or trips to Europe. The soul of our children simply wants to bear witness to the parents who love each other.
2. Name calling, put-downs, sarcasm, ridicule, disparagement, and mockery:
These are the negative messages or labels that parents or other important people frequently repeat towards the child. It has been said that Albert Einstein was a genius, however I believe that the real genius was his mother. Why? Because throughout his childhood she constantly told him that he was a genius. He believed her and ultimately became that, through the power of self-fulfilling prophecy.
I am in awe and anguish at the horrible amount of put-downs, harassment, and insults that I have witnessed as parents attack their children. Negative messages like: “You are so stupid!” “You will never get anywhere!” “You are a loser!” “I hate you!” “You disgust me!” “You are ugly”, etc. leaving a child’s SE torn and unable to repair himself without major therapy. It is very rare that a child who is constantly bombarded with these criticisms ever truly loves himself or feels worthy enough to be loved by another. Instead, they will spend the rest of their lives trying to live up to their parents’ negative expectations. However, it is essential to remember that the parent who verbalizes this type of negative terminology towards their child also has a severely damaged SE.
3. Insufficient praise:
Praising your children and “constantly catching them in the act of doing something good” can best be compared to properly watering a flower. The ideal time to praise your child is in public. Public praise is the most powerful kind of all. However, you want to make sure that the compliment is well deserved and sincere. Misplaced or poorly delivered compliments can backfire very quickly and make future compliments lose their effectiveness.
Research on the psychology of child behavior states that there are -6- characteristics of children with low EE.
1. Anger and rage problems.
2. Smoking, drug or alcohol abuse.
3. Vulnerability to peer pressure.
4. Eating disorders
5. Tense, unhappy, or hostile relationships.
6. Unhappiness.
Research on the psychology of child behavior states that there are -6- characteristics of children with very high EE.
1. Resistance to dependencies and addictions.
2. Trust yourself.
3. Ability to be self-directed.
4. Ability to cope with adversity.
5. Stronger, healthier and more peaceful relationships.
6. Basically happy.
Combining my research in the field of SE with my own experience of raising two happy and respectful children; my wife and I constantly put into practice what I call the “Top 10 Steps to Healthy Self-Esteem.” I teach this information at all of my parenting seminars and it is always well received. I hope it will also be beneficial for you.
1. Never fight if your children are present!
2. Say “I love you” with a touch or a hug!
3. Say “We are proud of you” with a hint or a hug!
4. Ask many times: “Aren’t you proud of yourself?”
5. Never criticize in public.
6. Criticize only their behaviors, never them as a person!
7. Always praise in public. Make sure it’s sincere, deserved, and timely!
8. Put them constantly in the act of doing something good!
9. Be consistent with what you say and do!
10. Keep the refrigerator full. A well-stocked refrigerator always creates a sense of safety and comfort for children!
Remember that your child will never rise higher than his SE allows. As parents, we have an enormous amount of power and obligation to help them reach their full potential and beyond. Our children are a reflection of who we are and of our own works of art. Let’s show them that they are masterpieces.
