I have a movie rating system that probably reflects my age more than anything else. It’s simple: both eyes wide open (excellent), both eyes open (good), one eye open (fair), both eyes closed (poor), and both eyes wide closed (terrible). It all depends on whether I fall asleep or not. Discarding for this purpose the movie Hostel (a body-parts fest that received the unique rating of “both eyes shut so tight you’d need a crowbar to pry them open”), I’ve seen three movies that put me to sleep faster than a mouth. full of Ambien.
The films I am referring to are: I Love Trouble (1994; Julia Roberts, Nick Nolte), I Heart Huckabee (2004; Dustin Hoffman, Jude Law, Naomi Watts) and, more recently, Must Love Dogs (2005; Diane Lane , John Cusack). Of the three, ‘I Love Trouble’ has the distinctive recognition of being the only movie I had to leave before it was over because I was snoring too loud. Since I probably see three movies in a theater a year, I’ve built up an incredible track record for picking out real gems.
The reason I’m talking about this is because many years ago I wrote two movie scripts, both mediocre, both better than these three produced scripts, none of the bunch worthy of production and release. I am under the illusion that this somehow qualifies me to speak about these matters knowledgeably. Believe me, it is an illusion, one that years of psychoanalysis will soon eradicate.
When one considers that only 208 films were released in 1994 (558/2004, 579/2005), one ponders the inflated budgets needed to pay top-tier actors to act interested and contemplates the tens of thousands of scripts available. , one has to wonder why these movies are being thrown at us? Within the first ten minutes of each film, the industry-standard time allowed to establish the hook, it’s clear that the scripts are off the hook, the actors are bored, the directors are drunk, and the producers are heavily sedated.
In all cases, the lifeless action, drifting aimlessly through an undetectable plot in a swirling sea of incoherent dialogue between unlikely characters, lumbers along for ninety minutes, eighty if you’re lucky. The only thoughts keeping me awake are the insane minds of those who proclaimed these films ready for public consumption. The idea that two months into producing someone in charge actually concluded ‘hey, we’ve got something here’ always baffles me, preventing me, for a while longer anyway, from falling asleep. Then I start thinking about the slogans, the hype, the interviews and the trailers that tricked me into paying to see the crap, and I start to feel anger. Soon my eyes cloud over, my eyelids slowly close, and my head tilts, turns, and jerks up in a futile attempt to stay awake. I envision my own movie in which I play a jackal hired by a group of ripped-off theatergoers to murder those responsible. I fall asleep, the last demand of my clients ‘and use your imagination’ lingering in my final thoughts. Before I succumb to peace, an ounce of slime escapes from the corner of my smile as I dream of car batteries, gilded copper wires, and gleaming steel spikes.
The last film of this type, “Must Love Dogs”, I must confess that I watched the DVD version at home, paying a lot of money for the privilege. When I woke up from a particularly satisfying dream in which I was ripping John Cusack’s toenails off using the corner of the DVD case dipped in chipotle-tabasco sauce, I turned off the silent blue menu screen. The word ‘menu’ was burned into the plasma panel. I must have been gone for hours.
Once my senses returned, I grabbed the case and read the back panel to verify that I had read the review correctly.
“… Must Love Dogs has the affable, cuddly charm its title so hopefully invokes.” -Ann Hornaday, WASHINGTON POST
Ann apparently saw a different movie, possibly one with a different title. She maybe she saw ‘Must Love Getting Paid to Write Good Things About Movies That Are Dogs’, yeah, that one. She certainly didn’t see the one I saw. The one I saw was impossible to see.
I just don’t understand. She even made money. It cost $35,000,000 and has grossed over $59,000,000 at the box office (add the DVD shot and it really borders on a crime).
How does that happen?
I don’t know. I must be thinking all wrong about these things. On the other hand, I can’t help but think that my movie dream about the jackal hired to take down these thieves isn’t such a bad idea. Maybe the guy who played Napoleon Dynamite could be the lead. I already have a long list of goals.