The 5 best things you can do right now for you and your child
The first thing to do: Get help!
You may feel like your world is falling apart. Sometimes your efforts can make things worse. Let’s be realistic. There is an incredibly high probability that if you find yourself doing all the work (rather than the addict), you may be motivated by codependency.
Codependency is a behavior where we tend to love, care, or give for the wrong reasons. Codependents have a damaged capacity for love because they have somehow never been able to resolve their own self-love issues. They have unresolved wounds and memories from their past that are strongly controlling their day-to-day reactions.
Codependency will have many unbalanced relationships where they are giving to regain love, acceptance, and self-esteem, and are most often driven by fear of rejection, fear of losing, or fear of being found out. Another problem with codependency is that it tends to be progressive and will seem more controlling to others (addict).
If you care more and are more responsible than your child (especially if your child is an adult), then it’s in everyone’s best interest to get sound advice from a codependency support group counselor or group facilitator. What you need is honest and solid structured direction on how to proceed that is in the best interest of all concerned. The goal for everyone should be healing and healthy living.
Talk to people who can relate to and understand addictions.
Search the Internet for helpful ways to begin this process. Call an outpatient counseling center or treatment center for impatient patients and talk to someone who deals with addiction every day. Ask them about codependency and how they can help. Hear your program options and find out. Please don’t be too rushed. It is best to gather information and discuss options with other support people.
The shocking truths tell us to educate ourselves
Inform! No one begins to know about addictions unless they grow up with a parent or sibling with addictions. If you’re reading this, you’re probably looking for help right now for your addicted child. My suggestion to you is to educate yourself. What you will find is that inpatient treatment will cost between $10,000.00 and $25,000.00 for a one month stay. You will find, on average, that many addicts will try to recover from treatment 2-3 times before they are successful. You will find that many leave treatment early and end up in jail, prison, or on the streets. You’ll hear stories of families torn apart by lies, theft, deceit, and broken promises. You’ll hear things like “I think I tried harder than her” or “I really don’t need any help. I can do this on my own.”
There are millions of people who participate daily in addiction and codependency support groups. There are many online chat rooms where you can join and ask for help. Attend meetings and find out what others have done. You can apply that information to help you make a more informed decision. Read books about addictions and codependency.
Make the decision to be the best father you can be from here on out
An adult child of an addict has learned all the instinctive reactions of dysfunctional behavior. They have had to learn to cope and survive, but usually these abnormal life skills develop during early childhood. Which means they used the mind of a child to do the best they could.
Unfortunately, they find themselves reacting with the same behavior twenty years later and are just as dysfunctional as ever. If this sounds like you, then get help soon. No one has to live in chaos; it is usually a matter of understanding how to change on the inside.
All people benefit from getting information. Learn how to apply that information to your personal life and challenge yourself to be more informed, becoming the best parent you can be (no matter how old your child is).
The most important thing to do is pray daily. Allow the Lord to guide you, educate you, and comfort you. Surrender the whole process to Him. Try to approach this whole ordeal as a learning and healing experience that God is bringing into his life and the life of his family. Understand that you will get over it.