Suppose you have decided not to sit back and wait for men or women to make first contact with you. You’ve done a search and found some prospects. You are ready to let the person know that you are interested. You are wondering exactly what to say or do. You can divide the process into steps:
1. You send the person a wink, an instant message, or an email. If you send a message, focus on a fact of interest from the person’s profile. Ask a question about that fact, or mention that you have the same interest or have had the same experience.
2. You go to the next level; you listen and engage the person in regular dialogue. Remember to build on anything positive or intriguing in the person’s profile.
3. You exchange emails or instant messages.
4. You start talking on the phone.
S. You arrange an in-person meeting.
Online dating doesn’t always work one step at a time, of course, because we’re talking about human beings. Think about the inverted pyramid system that journalists use when writing stories. Start with a general statement and move on to more specific comments.
Using Your Dating Site’s Messaging System
Every dating website has a communication system that they want their members to use instead of their own email account. There are many good reasons to make the initial contact using the internal system. The main ones are security and privacy.
If you can avoid using your regular email address (the one you get from your Internet Service Provider), you’ll reduce the chances that someone can trace your address in the real world or send you unsolicited email.
Flicker
For many people, the idea of flirting goes back to high school gym dances where you try to be irresistible to the object of your affection and end up with a blank stare at best and a rude response at the best. worse. Thanks to online dating, you don’t have to be good at flirting. When you’re looking for people online, you can flirt without having to worry about witty comments, puns, double hearing, winking, arm poking, or the like. You just send a quick flirty text. It is safe and non-threatening; if someone isn’t interested, they just won’t respond. You can send a group of flirts and see who responds.
Insider Messaging
Once a wink has been sent, the recipient will usually reply with a message of encouragement through the dating service’s own messaging system. Internal messaging systems are not the same as Internet email; the dating service stores and routes messages so that anyone who is not a registered user cannot contact members directly unless they are able to obtain the member’s email address.
Many dating services instruct their members to use their own messaging system for privacy. And they are right. The messaging system is a good way for members to get to know each other without running any of the risks that Internet users face, such as spam, viruses, or hackers intercepting their correspondence. And an internal messaging system allows users to remain anonymous.
But because the dating service runs the messaging system, you don’t have complete privacy. The dating website itself can store and inspect your message if you wish. By changing your email, you lose some of the chance to remain anonymous. But you gain more control and a sense of freedom. And you can pick up your email from your cell phone or PDA, if you have one that can. Stick with the messaging system for your initial communications until you feel comfortable sending an email to someone outside of the service system. Also, do not give out your address or other contact information.
Switch to email
There is no rule about when to switch to your email address to communicate with someone instead of using the dating service’s messaging system. You don’t have to use email at all, if you’re comfortable with internal messaging. That’s the deciding factor: the amount of comfort you have with the system and with the person you’re communicating with. Switch to your own email software if you like it better than the dating website’s system.
It is best to have a writing style that is light and carefree without revealing too much about yourself at first. That last sentence is hard to achieve online. The temptation is to get so excited by a positive response that you start sharing all sorts of intimate details. Think about meeting someone for the first time while reaching for the same martini in a cocktail. What would be the result if you immediately started talking about your latest affair or your most recent surgery? At best, it would be unpleasant because it’s getting too strong too fast. At worst, you could divulge information that could be used against you.
Instant Messaging/Text Messaging
You’ll make a positive impression on a certain segment of the population (read: young and hip) if you first approach them via IM or your cell phone’s text messaging system. If you’re traveling and on the go, it can be very helpful to get in touch with potential dates this way.
But instant messaging only works if it’s what you and your potential date want to start. Instant messaging and text messaging can be a huge invasion of privacy, and you should message someone only after you’ve asked and only after you’ve contacted them via email first.