Verbal compliments, or words of affirmation, are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed in simple, direct statements of affirmation, such as:
“You look elegant in that suit.”
“Do you ever look good in that dress? Wow!”
“You must be the best potato cook in the world. I love these potatoes.”
“I really appreciate you doing the dishes tonight.”
“Thanks for getting the babysitter for tonight. I want you to know that I don’t take that for granted.”
“I really appreciate you taking out the trash.”
What would happen to the emotional climate of a marriage if the husband or wife heard such words of affirmation on a regular basis?
Within each language, there are many dialects. Below you will find just a few, but in the end you need to understand your spouse’s dialect.
Verbal praise: read above
Words of encouragement:
The word encourages means ‘inspire courage’. Infuse your spouse with words of encouragement in areas of insecurity.
Kind words: Love is kind. So if we are going to communicate love verbally, we must use kind words. That has to do with the way we talk. The same phrase can have two different meanings, depending on how it is said.
humble words: Love makes requests, not demands. How we express those desires is of paramount importance. If we make our needs known as requests, we are giving guidance, not ultimatums.
If your spouse’s love language is AFFIRMING WORDS:
- To remind yourself that ‘Words of Affirmation’ is your spouse’s primary love language, print the following on a 3×5 card and place it on a mirror or other place where you will see it daily: Words Matter! Words are important! Words are important!
- For one week, keep a written record of all the words of affirmation you give your spouse each day. At the end of the week, sit down with your spouse and review your file. On Monday I said, “You did a great job with this meal.” “You look great in that outfit.” “I really appreciate you picking up the clothes.” On Tuesday I said: …
- Set a goal to give your spouse a different compliment every day for a month. If “an apple a day keeps the doctor away,” maybe a compliment a day will keep the counselor away. You may want to record these compliments as well, so as not to duplicate statements.
- As you read the newspaper, magazines, and books, or watch television or listen to the radio, look for words of affirmation that people use. Observe people in a conversation. Write those affirmative statements in a notebook. (If they are cartoons, cut them out and paste them in your notebook.) Periodically review them and select the ones you could use with your spouse. When you use one, write down the date you used it. Your notebook can become your love book. Remember, words are important!
- Write a love letter, love paragraph, or love phrase to your spouse, and give it to them softly or with fanfare! (Most likely, when he dies, you’ll find your love letter hidden somewhere special.) Words are important!
- Compliment your spouse in the presence of your parents or friends. You’ll get double credit: your spouse will feel loved, and the parents will feel lucky to have a great son-in-law or daughter-in-law.
- Look for your spouse’s strengths and tell them how much you appreciate those strengths. Chances are you work hard to live up to your reputation.
- Tell your children how great their father’s mother is. Do it behind your spouse’s back and in her presence.
- Write a poem that describes how you feel about your spouse. If you are not a poet, choose a card that expresses how you feel. Underline the special words and add some of your own at the end.
- If you find it difficult to pronounce “Words of Affirmation”, practice in front of a mirror. Use a cue card if necessary, and remember that words are important.
(See also the book ‘The Five Love Languages’ by Gary Chapman)
