I hate hot summers. But once she’s gone, I miss him. This summer is hotter than ever!
There is something lovely about summer. whether it’s the long nights spent outdoors, the adventure trips we plan, or the way the sun streams through the windows early in the morning. And this summer gave me the opportunity to open the floodgates to explore myself and expose who I am.
July 22, 2016 was the day that helped me overcome one of my biggest fears, it was my first day in one of the most prestigious institutions in India. I entered the university premises with high resolutions and courage. I felt that everything is receiving me with great joy and with open arms. I was quite nervous for multiple reasons. My childhood was amazing. The only bad thing was that I was so introverted that everything became a big problem. He wasn’t sure if he was going to make any friends. I was so confused and tense. All the new faces, the language problem and staying away from parents is the biggest problem at the time. Since it is a national institute, I met students from all over the world, I learned many customs, traditions, and a fast culture is what I could not easily digest. I didn’t know at the time that these things were going to bring big changes in my life.
I had no idea what love was. One of them is that my father loved me to the point that he never knew what love was and the other may be because he was too lost in the books and not in the love scandals of childhood. Don’t be offended when I say ‘LOVE SCANDALS’ because most love stories turn out to be scandals, it may be because of our innocence, but if I look back, my perception of love has changed a lot.
LOVE… is not an emotion. It’s much more than that. It is a species that intensifies the ardor. Love is an effort, a mystery, a creation of the soul. It’s the best we do.
On a clear fall day in August 2016, we were asked to introduce ourselves to each other. It was then that I saw him for the first time. I didn’t know at the time that there was going to be lightning in my life. This is not superior to any other story. Not even one in a hundred kind of. A few days after that, I felt like he was staring at me. I thought it was a mere attraction and didn’t think much of it. It went on like this for a few months and one day I told my friends about this flirtation. and all those things. Since they are all from the same school, they know more about him than I do. They told me he likes to get a girl’s attention and then he’ll leave them, he’s that kind of guy. They warned me not to get carried away. I framed him as a bad guy even though my heart wasn’t ready to end it that way. A couple of months later, we had an hour-long conversation. We talked about a lot of things with each other and he told me what people thought of him and how true it was very frankly. That was the first time that my feelings for him were positive. Later, we started ignoring each other every time we crossed paths, and before long some of his friends started acting weird, which made me feel very uncomfortable.
All this time while those things were happening, he had no reason to think about why. And then I thought about it a lot and as much as I thought about it, I think somewhere I had started to have feelings for him. Initially I thought I could get over those feelings, but over time things got worse and it was even more disturbing. So, I insisted on meeting him just to work things out with him and I was able to feel less of a burden. My heart and mind are not in the same lane and it was a very difficult task to decide whether to go with my heart or my mind. My Mind tells me that he might not be the chosen one and my Heart insists that if he is the chosen one??… as someone said, the Heart needs more time to accept what our Mind already knows… that it can be . On a rainy day in June 2018, I called him and spoke with all my heart. He said that what he did and what I felt was just some REGULAR ACTIONS and nothing else. At that moment, I felt devastated. Because I expected a sincere apology and I got something unexpected.
Haha… Life is what happens when we expect something else. It is always unpredictable. Love always brings difficulties and it hurts a lot. It is true. But, those things that hurt always provide opportunities for introspection.
I cursed myself for everything that happened. I can’t get it out of my mind and everyone tried to comfort me by saying EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. In that state, I felt like ‘what?! For some reason…?’. It was crazy. People started judging me like how did you LIKE someone like that? How can you love a boy you know nothing about? I know what you’re trying to say, but all I needed was someone who would listen to what I say without criticizing me. Fortunately, I have plenty of those.
I questioned myself a thousand times asking myself, ‘how could I have given that person love? He doesn’t even deserve it.’ But the thing is not about serving, it’s about what we believe. Yes! Those supposed ERRATIC ACTIONS are not so regular for me. But, that’s how he sees things. He is right in his own way.
PEOPLE ARE NOT ALWAYS WHAT WE THINK THEY ARE.
At one time or another, each and every one of us will have to face this situation. It was my turn then. It made me stronger. I learned to love without loving myself back. I learned to forgive without apologizing. I learned to be nicer than necessary. It actually made my path clearer. These sufferings made me realize that I have always been THE PARTY OF LIFE.
THE FEAR OF REJECTION or FAILURE is one of my most debilitating fears. I will be frank. Rejection hurts. Literally. The pain of feeling rejected, marginalized, or unwanted is real. But it’s not the pain that makes rejection so difficult… it’s the FEAR. Well, in my case it’s not rejection. But, I opened my tender heart to someone and was shot down in flames. A few days after the incident, my friend asked me how I was feeling. For the next ten minutes, an awkward silence filled my heart and my room. It had nothing to say. That feeling really sucks. But it is not as difficult to overcome as we think. It took me a few days to realize that the pain has to do with the emotional investment we have in that rejection. Rejection or Failure hurts as much as we allow it. We are giving it the power to affect us. Let’s not let any fear mask our true selves. REALLY… I FACED REJECTION! I WIN. Time heals all.
When sorrows hit hard, we try to escape. That is the human tendency. But, we must try to find the relevance to our sufferings. That will help us create our own personal legacy. Thunderstorms are scarier, but it never rains forever. And yes! We meet everyone for a REASON and everything happens for a REASON, because when we look back in time, we’re glad it happened that way.
We must never allow our misery to prevail over us. Just because of that Enemy, let’s not miss the good people. Let’s accept fate. We don’t know who we are destined to meet, but it is already predetermined. There is someone out there waiting anxiously to glorify our souls. Let’s trust the waiting. Let’s celebrate the beauty of life.
THAT’S HOW IT ENDED. THAT PARTICULARLY HOT SUMMER ENDED LIKE THIS.
