It can be very painful and frustrating when your spouse constantly complains of a certain level of unhappiness despite the improvements they have tried to make. You might think you’ve addressed his concerns, only to turn around to find that he’s moody and unhappy again. It may start to feel like there’s really nothing you can do to brighten things up. That’s when you start to wonder if it’s not you or your marriage that’s the problem, but him.
A wife might say, “It’s probably been about eighteen months since my husband has been telling me how unhappy he is all the time. At first, I thought maybe he was having a hard time and venting, but I never stopped complaining. So I tried to make our home life less stressful. I tried to be cheerful and optimistic. But it doesn’t seem to matter what I do. It’s like I have a broken record with her unhappiness. And recently, I’ve noticed that it’s not just me or ours. Marriage, that’s it. If we go to a restaurant, he finds fault with the food. He talks behind the backs of his coworkers, something he never used to do before. He acts like his favorite sports team loses on purpose just to piss him off. It’s like if he was bitter about everything. I’m starting to think he’s a miserable person and I don’t know how to deal with him anymore. “
I understand your frustration. When my husband and I separated, he went through something similar. It was as if he found fault with every aspect of his life. We spent a short time in counseling and the counselor told him that he needed to find a source of happiness within himself rather than expect it to come from other people, outside sources, or his marriage. She told him that a marriage cannot “make” you happy. But it can add or enhance happiness. At the time, he didn’t want to hear this. But now that that time has passed and you have an additional perspective, you can see that she was right. At the same time, I’m not sure what I could have said or done to get him out of this. It was something he had to realize, tackle, and navigate on his own. I was only able to provide support, which I tried with all my might.
I tell you this to validate your suspicions. When someone finds fault with literally everything, then they are struggling with more than their marriage. Sometimes there are very valid and unavoidable reasons for this. For example, my mother recently went through a health crisis and her personality completely changed. She went from being patient and relatively content to someone who was constantly angry, bitter, and critical. Now I realize that most of his behavior was due to the fact that he was in physical pain (from which he got no relief). But many people can have the same reaction when they are caught up in emotional pain.
So how can you help him if he’s in emotional pain? I’m not sure if I would go to therapy, but that is usually the most effective option. If you resist, you can tell him that you are going for your marriage and then you could bring up the issue to the counselor, who will hopefully help you address it effectively. This could also help both of you get to the true source of your unhappiness. I am not a mental health professional, so all I could really offer my husband was to listen and support. And I learned that debating with him was useless. I always backfired when he tried to point out that his perceptions were harsh or negative. That only made things worse because he would get defensive. I learned not to be judgmental and to tell myself that I was just looking for someone to listen to and validate.
That being said, if he is really being mean and disrespectful, then you can certainly say something about it. You don’t have to constantly be the source of their criticism. Sometimes if you try really hard to have an empathetic conversation, you will gain more important information. You could try, “Honey, I hear you. And I’ve been listening to this for a while, so I feel like I’m not addressing the problem effectively. Can you share with me the biggest source of your unhappiness? What do I do to make things better? What specific actions could you take to increase your happiness levels? If I understand problems better, then I can better address them. “
By asking for very specific details, you are trying to limit your ability to complain vaguely. Because that gets you nowhere and frustrates everyone. At the very least, if you can get him to be very, very specific in his complaints and unhappiness, you can try to address it effectively. But at the end of the day, it’s your unhappiness. And sometimes the real changes must come from the person who is unhappy. Unfortunately, it can sometimes take a while to see this clearly. Until then, the best thing you can do is try to find professional help or self-help and be their unconditional support system. Because usually, if they get happier within themselves, they magically become happier within marriage.
