“My husband is not going to marriage counseling, I am desperately unhappy, what should I do?”
“My wife refuses to talk to anyone, says we can’t help, it’s too late. Should I give up?”
These are statements I hear over and over again, and to be honest, I don’t blame a husband or wife if they don’t believe in traditional relationship counseling. Statistics report that 75% of people who see marriage counselors are worse off or get divorced later! An alarming statistic, right?
This is because the traditional marriage counseling model of addressing the same issues, sharing where your spouse has hurt, angered, or betrayed you only ignites more fear, hostility, and hopelessness. Instead, what many married couples need when they have marital problems is a plan of action, steps to move forward rather than thinking about the past. That’s why I spent years developing a marriage savings program that works.
But, putting that aside. Let’s say your marriage is falling apart, tension and distance are increasing, and your spouse will not receive help or listen to anything or anyone. What do you do for a living?
Well what I see is that you have 3 options if you find yourself in a troubled marriage.
1. Get a divorce that will inevitably be painful, stressful, not to mention costly for everyone involved.
2. Strengthen the marriage without working to improve it. Where you decide to accept that life, love and marriage have to be like this forever or at least until your children are a certain age.
3. Face maturely the fact that things don’t work out. You are miserable and you may have to start saving your marriage on your own.
If this is your situation, let me tell you that it is possible to save your marriage on your own. I see that women and men change things without help from anyone all the time. It doesn’t take two to tango … this is a myth. In most forms of dancing Tango, Salsa, Ballroom, Bachata, one person (typically the man) leads the other. Saving your marriage works the same way, all it takes is for one person to lead, take action, and decide that they want to be happier. You represent 50% of the marriage and with the right attitude and intention, you can have an influence of 80% to 90%.
So what do you do if your partner refuses marriage counseling?
Accept it.
Never pressure or force them to join couples counseling, they will resist and may even do everything they can to be right and prove it doesn’t work. This will definitely be a waste of time and money. Instead, accept it and ask them if they care if you start working on their side of the relationship with a program or an expert.
Those who start working on their marriage find that their spouse, who was not interested in the beginning, is interested. It’s hard not to be curious when you see a change in your husband or wife’s behavior.
It is important to remember that people rarely make lasting changes because we want them to, or try to make them, to bring about lasting change in your husband or wife, you must inspire them, motivate them, go first.
There is nothing worse than wanting a change for yourself and your life, but believing that it is not possible because your happiness and achieving the change depends on someone else.
It is not that your happiness depends on you, so it is your responsibility to learn the skills to help yourself and your marriage. Women and men, who had tried to ignore the warning signs, tried to pretend they were fine without communication, affection, or attraction for years, finally breaking out. When I witness the snap happening, spouses go one of two ways: straight to divorce, or they seek to make a difference themselves.
The next most common marriage counseling objection after “I don’t think marriage counseling works is” we should be able to solve our problems on our own “or” private matters should be kept private. “
HERE’S THE THING, waiting for the situation to improve or change will not work as a strategy to save your marriage. Many people find that their relationship only worsens when they are not cared for.
Don’t change yourself. Your relationship, love, trust, respect can be built … so start building them today.
Don’t procrastinate on something as important as your marriage and your happiness.
