Introduction
Nothing gets the heart racing quite like the nervous anticipation that accompanies going out on a first date with a guy. Whether it’s a blind date or someone you already know, the first meeting with a dating prospect brings with it a host of emotions, most commonly a mix of excitement and nervousness. As the crucial moment approaches, thoughts may focus on questions such as: “Will he like me?” “Will I like it?” “Is he going to be The One?” “What if I mess things up and make a fool of myself?” “What am I going to talk about? What if I run out of things to say?”
Everyone’s experience is different, but the one common denominator that most daters would testify to is that it can be difficult to navigate the waters of man-to-man dating. Although it is changing, we gay men have few role models to emulate when it comes to love and romance. There is no template to follow and we were never taught how to flirt and date other men. There are no rules, no structure, no guide. How do two men come together in the “courtship dance”? While the lack of rules for gay dating can be a positive thing, as it lends itself to greater creativity, spontaneity, and individuality, it can also create anxiety and a sense of “cluelessness” about how to meet and date successfully, something as well as a car. driverless
This article will offer you some tips on how to approach your first date with that lucky guy you chose to meet in that date’s occurrence sequence. While these are by no means “rules,” these ideas can offer a means to ground yourself and get the most out of the experience without sabotaging it before it takes off. Pick and choose the ones that feel right for you and create your own principles as a means of being a healthy person who lives with integrity and follows your own values.
before date
When setting a time and place for your appointment, make sure it’s a short meeting (1-2 hours) for the first time, and select a place that is activity-oriented or allows for plenty of opportunities to talk. Skip the movies and opt for a short meeting at a coffee shop or at the zoo. Keeping it short takes a lot of pressure off, especially if you find out the two of you aren’t compatible, and allows for a healthy rhythm in your relationship. You can always extend the date if you hit it off really well.
De-emphasize it being a date, and instead see it as an opportunity to meet a potential new friend. This can help “take control” and allow you to relax without concentrating on the outcome of the date. Avoid placing too many hopes and expectations on the encounter; let it evolve naturally and if a spark ignites during your time together then that’s an added bonus!
If you’re particularly nervous, take time to do some relaxation exercises (deep breathing, visualization, etc.) to help calm down and focus. If you’re worried about what to talk about, brainstorm a list of possible ideas beforehand and role-play with a friend to build trust. But don’t rely too much on this or you’ll come across as stiff and rehearsed. Be cool and be yourself. This is not about performance.
·Dress comfortably and in clothes that make you feel good about yourself. Make sure you and your date are on the same page about what style to dress for your date. In my own dating days, I’d show up to a second date in a cute Oxford shirt and jeans only to find my other half dressed to the nines in a French suit without realizing her intentions for the night. It was a very embarrassing moment and he canceled the reservations he had made for us to dine at a fancy fine dining establishment. Then he changed into more casual clothes and took me to a family restaurant. Oh! Her image of me instantly changed and she stopped seeing me after that. She did us both a favor by ending things, but at the time it was pretty humiliating. So be clear to avoid any miscommunication.
During the Date
· Be punctual and relaxed. No matter how attracted you are to the man sitting across from you, it’s your responsibility to be yourself: Avoid trying to put up a front and be someone you’re not to try to impress your date. You are great just the way you are. Let him know the real you; otherwise, you are engaging in a form of deception that will only come back to bite you later. Be authentic and you will eventually be rewarded with a truly compatible partner.
· Be attentive to your appointment. Show respect by maintaining good eye contact and don’t let those eyes wander if there are other attractive men in the room. Keep an open posture and let your nonverbal communication and body language convey interest in learning about your date. Stay out of your own head and turn off those distracting thoughts; really listen to what you are saying. Balance active listening with sharing about yourself. Ask open-ended questions to get more details about the points made in your discussion to further the conversations and learn more about your date. This is especially effective if you’re feeling shy or lacking things to say because it gets the other person to talk more, which allows for more tidbits to start other dialogues about. Be positive and let your sense of humor shine through.
Avoid controversial topics of discussion, as they can be offensive to your date. You can make these easier the more you know about it. Avoid alcohol as this can alter your behavior and stay away from sexual content and innuendos. Unless sex is the motivation for your date, introducing sexual conversations into your first date may set the tone in an inappropriate direction. Conversations about sex and sexual preferences can come up later, once you have been able to establish a more genuine and mature connection. Questions like “Are you top or bottom?” It may come across as rude at a first meeting and may cause an unfavorable impression of you to form in your date’s mind and image of you.
after date
·Whether your date was a great success or a disaster, use good manners and thank your new acquaintance for the date. If you want to see him again, please point that out and call him in a day or so to ask him out again. Don’t get sucked into the whole dating game of “How many days should I wait to call him to avoid looking desperate?” or “I’m going to let him call me.” If you like it, take charge of your life and make that call. If you didn’t feel a “love connection” with the guy, thank him for the date and gently and tactfully tell him that you’re not a couple. While this can be extremely difficult, it is always best to be honest and direct in a kind and polite manner. If you want to try to develop a friendship, suggest it. But be honest and direct and don’t tell him you’re going to call him back if you really don’t mean to. That’s cruel.
Debrief after your date and reflect on your behavior as well as your date’s, perhaps journaling about the experience. How did you feel? How did you handle yourself during the date? What would you have changed? What went right? What did you learn about yourself as a result of this appointment? How would you miss the date and the boy you met? From what you can tell so far, is there compatibility with your personal requirements and your vision of a life partner? Is he matching his needs, wants, goals, and values so far?
conclusion
Dating someone can be a daunting and stressful task, particularly with the absence of dating education available to us as gay men. What traditions and roles that our heterosexual dating counterparts have are applicable to us, if any? What are we supposed to do?
The key is to have fun with dating and take a light approach. In my opinion, dating is as much an art as it is a science, combining common-sense decision-making with self-awareness of what one wants and needs for a happy and fulfilling lifestyle. When your dating behavior is aligned with your values and vision of a relationship, you will live with integrity and be able to approach all your dates with a more relaxed tone and confident demeanor. It will make the process much easier and more rewarding. Cheers to your dating success!
©2005 Brian L. Rzepczynski
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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that leads them to find and build a lasting partnership with the right man.” To sign up for Gay Love Coach’s FREE newsletter, full of dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to view current coaching groups, shows and teleclasses, visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.
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