I often write about saving marriages that many believe are hopelessly broken. Sometimes people write to me and ask how they can tell if their spouse is changing their mind about the divorce. They want to know if certain behaviors they are starting to see are good signs or if they are just seeing what they want to see. In the next article, I’ll tell you what to do if you’re trying to change your spouse’s mind about divorce, and also what signs to look for that the plan is working.
First, do you have the right plan to make him change his mind: Before I tell you the signs to look for, I’d like to go over a few things I’ve found to be very effective in turning things around. First of all, it is very important that you understand that whatever plan you are using should not provoke negative emotions. Many spouses will make the mistake of trying to play “hard ball” or “crack your bluff.” This behavior only pushes your spouse further.
I also see people go to the opposite extreme when they become almost subservient to their spouse, making desperate promises that things will be different, trying to get their spouse involved or pushing their buttons, or playing the blame or pity cards. All of these things make you seem less than desirable and push your spouse to want to get away as soon as possible.
It is much better to focus on the positive. Yes, I know very little may seem positive right now, but it’s important to act “as if” you’ve already done it. It’s important for your spouse to know that you respect his feelings and want him to be happy. Explain that you would like to help them achieve this, whether that includes you or not. It is important that they feel validated and heard. And even if you and I know that you don’t agree with them at all, it’s important that you respect their right to feel and communicate the same. It’s also important that they know they’re important enough to you that you want to preserve the relationship no matter where it goes.
Why are you making all these concessions? Because, in a sense, you need to disarm them. His defenses are probably up right now and limiting his access to you. So in order to change their minds, you need them to be open-minded and allow you free access so you can replace negative feelings with positive ones.
It’s important that they see you in a positive light right now. To do this, you must ensure that you display your best features and conduct yourself with dignity and grace. And you want to make sure they see that you respect yourself enough to continue doing what makes you happy. Take care of yourself. See friends. Make the best of things. Don’t sit and get depressed. Make sure they know you can take advantage of this break, too.
Many people ask me if they should try to make their spouses jealous or imply that they are seeing other people. I think the best tactic here is to let them know you’re going out with friends and let them speculate if the guys will approach you, but I don’t think you should let them think you’re seeing someone else. She wants to show herself as a woman who still loves her husband, but respects her wishes and respects herself as well.
Signs that you might be changing your mind: So how do you know this plan is working? You will start to see positive emotions. He will smile instead of frown when he looks at you. Your body language will be more open and less closed. You’ll start to see more intimate gestures like rubbing your arm, brushing your bangs out of your eyes, and “accidentally” brushing up against each other. He can ask you if you “remember the time when” (fill in the blank) to see if he can relight some of the spark. In essence, he will be feeling you, but he is also inching closer.
Many women ask me if their husband gets mad with jealousy or gets frustrated, does that mean he still has strong feelings (and is this a good thing?) Maybe, but I’d rather see a smile on his face than frustration. Jealousy and frustration are still negative emotions that he associates with you and you really need to replace them with positive emotions.
What you really want is for him to start initiating contacts and mutual experiences that you can share. He wants to heighten his interest and wants to create a sense of mystery and excitement in the same way he did when they were first dating. So if he starts to show interest, play along, but don’t give him a free hand or seem desperate or subservient. This is when you can stop making all the compromises and do all the work. Best case scenario, he can re-ignite his interest and then he starts being the initiator because now the marriage is back on an equal footing and both of them are equally committed to working things out.
