Anger and abuse in relationships are all about guilt: “I feel bad and it’s your fault.” Even when resentful, angry, or emotionally abusive people acknowledge their behavior, they are likely to blame their partners: “You put pressure on me” or “I may have overreacted, but I’m only human and look what you did.” !”
Angry and abusive partners tend to be anxious by temperament. Since they were little children, they have had a constant sense of fear that things will go wrong and they will not be able to cope. They try to control their environment to avoid terrible feelings of failure and inadequacy.
The strategy of trying to control others fails even when they are powerful, for the simple reason that the root cause of their anxiety is within them, not their environment. It arises from one of two sources: a great fear of failure or fear of harm, isolation, and deprivation.
the silent abuser
Not all emotional abuse involves yelling or criticism. The most common forms are “disengaging” (the distracted or preoccupied spouse) or “blocking” (the spouse refusing to accept the other’s perspective).
While verbal abuse and other forms of emotional abuse may be roughly equal between men and women, obstructionists are almost exclusively men. Biology and social conditioning make it easy for men to turn off emotions. The corpus callosum, the part of the brain that connects its two hemispheres, is smaller in men, making it easier for them to block information from the emotionally oriented right hemisphere. In addition to that slight biological difference, social conditioning promotes the analytical, emotionless guy on one hand or the strong, silent guy on the other.
The partner who is blocked cannot openly belittle you. However, he punishes you for disagreeing with him by refusing to even think about your perspective. If he listens to something, he does so with disdain or impatience.
The husband who logs out says, “Do what you want, leave me alone.” He is often a workaholic, sedentary, womanizer, or obsessive about sports or some other activity. He tries to deal with his inadequacy in relationships by simply not trying: no attempt means no failure.
Both stonewalling and withdrawal tactics can make you feel:
o Invisible and unheard
or unattractive
or how do you not count
o As a single parent
What all forms of abuse have in common
Whether overt or silent, all forms of abuse are the result of failures of compassion; stop worrying about how you feel. Compassion is the soul of marriage; the failure of compassion is his heart disease.
It would be less painful if your partner never cared how you felt. But when you were falling in love, you cared a lot. So now it feels like a betrayal when he or she doesn’t care or tries to understand. That’s not the person you married. Lack of compassion can feel like abuse.
Harmful Adaptations to Anger and Abuse: Walking on Eggshells
The most insidious aspect of abuse is not the obvious nervous reactions to yelling, name-calling, criticism, or other demeaning behavior. It’s the adaptations you make to try to prevent those painful episodes. You walk on eggshells to maintain peace or an appearance of connection.
Women are especially vulnerable to the negative effects of walking on eggshells due to their increased vulnerability to anxiety. Many courageous women engage in constant self-editing and self-criticism to avoid “pushing their buttons.” Emotionally abused women can doubt themselves so much that they feel like they have lost themselves in a deep well.
Recovery from walking on eggshells requires taking the focus off of repairing your relationship and your partner and placing it squarely on your personal healing. The good news is that the most powerful form of healing comes from within. You can tap into your great inner resources by reintegrating your deepest values into your everyday sense of self. This will make you feel more valuable, secure, and powerful, regardless of what your partner does.