Probably the biggest worry my readers (wives whose husbands have been unfaithful) face is the worry that he will do it again. I get so many emails saying things like, “Once a cheater is always a cheater is that true?”, “How do I know he won’t cheat on me again?” or “How can I prove our marriage?” so you never have to go through this again?” I’ll answer these questions in the next article and describe things you (and he) can do to make sure cheating doesn’t happen again.
Can you give me a 100% guarantee that he won’t cheat again: Often when I talk to women about this topic, I offer tips and advice on how to ensure their marriage is rock solid from now on so they don’t have to worry incessantly about being in the same place again. by the way. Often, they’ll say things like, “Sure, but how do I know these things are going to work?” or “yeah, but how do I know I’m not going to do everything right and at the end of the day he still won’t be able to hold his own against temptation?”
The answer to these questions is that you don’t know, but because of your actions (and his), you can make a highly informed guess. Still, I really wish I could write a 100% guarantee that if you follow everything I told you, you can be 100% sure that you will never be here again. Unfortunately, it’s not up to me. At some point, if you want a happy and secure marriage in the future, you will eventually have to trust this man again. I understand that it is terribly scary. I understand how uncomfortable it makes him to be vulnerable. But, I also know that it is necessary to get where you want to go. And there are several things you can do to greatly decrease the chances of cheating again. I will summarize them below.
Make sure he knows exactly how much this has shaken you up: A husband who feels the pain and betrayal his wife feels after cheating on her often will not want to feel this kind of pain again. It is very important that you do not cover the fall with sugar for him. While I don’t advocate punishing him or lashing out just for the sake of it, I do advocate that he sit back and let him feel the pain and confusion he feels. He needs to know exactly what he has done. You need to understand that this unfortunate and temporary lack of judgment could cost you everything. Because by doing so, you make sure that he will remember this horrible place in the future so that he doesn’t want to repeat it.
Now, you have to walk a fine line here. You don’t want to push him away completely or get into the habit of continually punishing him. But, you can calmly and rationally explain it to him so he fully understands that yes, there are HUGE negative repercussions for his actions.
Sometimes people ask me if they should have their own affair to show their husband how they feel. My answer is always no. Engaging in behavior that is below you will only confuse you and accumulate more negative feelings in what is already a very difficult time.
Getting to the bottom of why this happened and putting up obstacles so it doesn’t happen again: It is very important that you do the necessary detective work to find out what left your husband or your marriage vulnerable. Then you have to dissect these things one by one and fix them. Men often cheat because they are unsure of themselves or have self-esteem issues mixed with poor impulse control. Sometimes they are allowed to engage in risky behavior that is too tempting to pass up. Or, other times, there were some vulnerabilities in their marriage that put them in the right place at the right time.
No matter which of these issues (or combination of them) gave rise to the affair, you really can’t be sure of your marriage or your husband’s future fidelity until you know you’ve successfully cleared all the land mines that could cause it. rerun This often takes quite a while. And, the discussions that are sometimes necessary for this can be painful. Brutal honesty is necessary. But, the payoff is huge because it can give you the confidence you need to trust again.
Responsibility and reliability are important pieces of the puzzle:I can’t tell you how important it is that your husband becomes very transparent. There can be no secrets, no forbidden words, emails or cell phones. He needs to be where he says he’s going to be, at least while you’re healing. He must be willing to check in regularly and be very generous with peace of mind. He has to understand what he is asking of you and then respond in kind.
He has betrayed your trust and has left you very upset and now he asks you to take a chance and let him back in. He must know how difficult this is and, in response, he must do everything possible to lighten his load. He must understand that his computer, cell phone, car and any other place where he has hidden his traps must be fully available to you now. This will give you some peace of mind and let you know that since it’s not so easy to get away with it this time, why bother?
I hope I’ve shown you that there are many things you can do to avoid walking on eggshells for the rest of your life. Don’t stop until you have what you need to heal, to your complete and total satisfaction. Once you do, the doubts that are plaguing you right now should start to dissipate.
