Christmas is one of the most important events of the year. There is so much tradition, preparation and gathering of families that it becomes a very important event in the family calendar. Christmas is planned weeks and sometimes months in advance and when kids are around, the focus on creating a beautiful Christmas for them is huge: bring in the tree, decorate the tree and the living room (or the whole family! home!), writing letters to Santa, Christmas gift lists, Christmas shopping, menu planning, grocery shopping, making crackers, baking and decorating the cake, steaming Christmas puddings, baking special cookies to hang on the tree … the list is endless. So what happens to Christmas after the loss of a child? How does the family manage?
For those grieving the loss of a child, Christmas can be a time of intense sadness and loneliness. Whether you are with others or alone right now, the feeling of separation and loneliness is huge because the feeling of loss is almost unbearable.
This time of year is likely to be one of the hardest you will have to endure. And because you’ll be meeting a family you may not have seen in a while, it can be hard for both sides to know where the lines are and if it’s okay to talk about the missing child. As you think ahead, you may be able to implement some strategies that will help you get through Christmas. This is what I suggest:
- Decide as a family (your everyday family unit) how you would like to spend Christmas this year. Don’t feel obligated to join in the festivities and act like nothing happened. He may feel that it would be more supportive to spend a quiet Christmas together. Likewise, he may enjoy being surrounded by a loving family at this time and the opportunity to be reunited with more distant relatives. The important thing is to talk about this together and make the decision together.
- Don’t offer to host Christmas this year.. Be kind to yourself and your family by keeping Christmas manageable. It is not advisable at this stage to add the stress of having a couple of other families to feed for 1 day or more. Keep Christmas small and in your own home or allow someone else to host for your family.
- Keep in mind that you may not have the ability to do everything you usually do in preparation for Christmas., so consider preparing a reduced version in terms of things to do. You may find that you simply can’t cope with crowded stores because it’s too stressful, so consider shopping for gifts or food online and having them shipped to you.
- Decide as a family unit how you want to include the missing child at Christmas this year. You may find it helpful to create a special place in your home that is dedicated to the lost child: lighting a candle each day will bring focus to this place and can be used by anyone to sit quietly and remember the loved one.
- Take some time to be outdoors. Whether you’re with your extended family or alone, take time for a gentle walk in the fresh air. This will help you release yourself from the festivities that you may feel are happening without you being fully present or engaged, and help you relax so that you can be where you are. Of course, it’s always nice to get some fresh air after eating your fill, but this year it’s especially important that you do so.
- If you spend time with your extended family, let them know what your needs are.. Your family can only know how to support you by telling them. For example, explaining that sometimes you may need to spend some time alone, and if this happens, you’ll slip away quietly, will help them know that it’s okay, but that you need to be alone. Let your family know if you want to talk about the loss of your child or not; this is an area that they may not know how to address.
- Do what’s right for you and your family. You won’t know exactly what is and isn’t manageable until the time comes, so keep this in mind and be prepared to drop all plans by the wayside if your needs change. Christmas is a challenging time and the most important thing is that everyone receives the support they need. If that means letting other people down, then that’s fine. Get ahead of this by explaining that all the plans you are making are tentative.
- take one step at a time. No hurry. There is no expectation. You know what really matters: follow your heart.
My thoughts are with you at this time.
