It is an art to have your scripts rejected immediately. Do the following if you want your months and perhaps years of efforts to go to waste in 15 seconds or less.
1) Write a 30-page “feature film” script.
2) Write a 300-page “feature film” script.
3) Use a big orange sleeve to attract attention.
4) Paste photos generously to illustrate your scenes. Your smiling photo with your favorite pet by your side and typing on your laptop would really enhance the aesthetic value of the cover.
5) Provide frequent and detailed camera and directing instructions such as “WIDE ANGLE SHOT, actors should imagine they are at a FUNERAL” etc.
6) Use a crazy font on the cover and within the script to get the study reader’s attention. Never use Courier.
7) Include sidebar notes to the reader such as “Dear reader, pay attention to the plot reversal in this scene!”
8) Use character names that start with the same letter and are very similar to each other, such as Jane, Joe, Jim, Jake, Jimmy, June, Jess, Jessie, Jesse, Jo, Jon, and Jil.
9) Make sure nothing happens in the first 5 pages. For example, you can describe the beautiful scenery as your protagonist takes a train from New York to Boston.
10) Do not use the universally accepted paragraph style formatting for hyphens. Be original. Wrap all text to the RIGHT.
11) There are very few issues under the sun and it’s smart to mimic success. Take CASABLANCA. Change the names to Bob and Shamita. Change the city to Austin, Texas, and bingo! You have a 100% unacceptable script.
12) “Dramatic structure” is for pigeons. Create a protagonist without desires for anything in the world. After all, isn’t he a Buddhist monk?
