The end of a relationship often comes on slowly, often reflecting issues that have been bubbling under the surface for some time.
No one gets married expecting a divorce, and the gradual breakdown of a relationship can slowly erode one’s confidence and self-esteem, as well as bring up many practical issues; the impact on children, how to handle future household and financial arrangements, what to do next.
Starting over after divorce often prompts reflection on various areas of life.
– Take some time to grieve over your ‘old’ life. A lot of well-intentioned advice and suggestions are likely to come your way, especially if children’s lives must be included in decision-making. But take the time to heal and figure out your next step instead of rushing into something too quickly. It may be that you slow down by initially choosing to rent rather than buy your next home.
Doing that could give you time to find your niche and decide what’s best for everyone involved. Some people choose to move into a shared house, which means you have company nearby. Do what’s best for you, even if it’s going home to mom and dad for a while to watch over you while you figure out your next move.
– Possessions and personal touches. it can make a big difference, especially if you are living in temporary accommodation for a while. She may have kept some special items from the marriage. Or, conversely, she may have chosen to do some cleaning, not wanting any memories. Whatever you decide, make your mark on your new home, even if you’re staying in a small, short-term rental. Get an inexpensive print or two, some lovely throw pillows, scented candles, and turn your personal space into a cozy retreat.
– Kids it can be shared between both parents and can help them settle in by giving them the freedom to decorate their own bedrooms. It allows them to invest in the new arrangements and feel included and important, helping them to move forward. Keep communication channels open so children feel able to talk about their feelings. Sometimes a supportive grandparent, family friend, or teacher can provide an outlet for children to talk about their concerns. Accept and support that arrangement and understand that they may prefer to talk to a third party rather than worry about worrying you and causing you more distress.
– Social groups can change significantly after divorce. Mutual friends may have divided loyalties, feel the new situation is too complicated, or be wary of their recent single status which highlights any problems they may have in their own relationships. Also, money and time are often tighter after a divorce, with less disposable income to socialize with, perhaps a need to work longer hours, or more limited free time due to childcare issues.
– To work can be very important after a divorce. Earning money may mean taking any convenient job initially. But many people use their divorce as a time to start over. Consider training for something you’ve always wanted to do, or take time out for a hobby or interest you previously felt unable to pursue. When life is already unsettled, it can be a good time to let go and introduce something you really want to focus on and develop.
– How do you feel about yourself? Divorce can make us feel unloved, unlovable, failures, guilty for disappointing ourselves and others. But the loneliness of a loveless marriage takes its toll, and starting over can be a good time for a review to prove to ourselves that we are fully committed to our future life. Therapy may play a role in helping you deal with your negative feelings or patterns.
Could it be time to start eating healthier? and lose a few pounds, maybe exercise and start walking, running, or going to gym class? What about the toilet? Going to a different barber can mean coming out with a new look instead of your old familiar style. Makeup counters are often happy to give you a makeover and could be a way to get some cool new ideas. Be open to opportunities to improve your confidence and self-esteem.
Starting over after divorce can be both scary and exciting. Remember, you’re not alone, so find local groups that offer things that interest you. Amateur theater, hiking, animal welfare, volunteering, night classes can connect you with people with similar interests to yours. At work, offer to find out what’s going on locally and host a social event or two. Be interesting and interested in staying up-to-date with national and local news, popular TV, and make sure you’re ready to contribute to the conversations. That way you will connect and improve your relationships with others.
