The ‘married guy’ is a whole different kind of species and you might find he has an appeal if you’re feeling a bit jaded after being on the singles dating scene for a while. As a general rule, the married man will do his best to complement you, always making sure your glass is full, and a dinner offer will never be fraught with concerns about who will pay or whether or not you should offer to be Dutch. If you’re unsure of a new man’s marital status, watch out for signs that will easily identify him as married. He tends to be self-assured, confident, with seemingly little to prove to women. If after meeting him and assuming there was an attraction, he somehow finds a way to have a card or flowers on your desk the next day. Alternatively, if he emails or calls you, he’s openly excited about meeting you again. What may seem best of all is the lack of necessary guesswork about whether or not he likes you. It can feel flattering and very easy to relax and enjoy the attention that the married man shows. For some women it can feel like a balm to a battered self-esteem after dating too many commitment-phobic single men who apparently like nothing more than to go bar hopping and pick up different ‘girls’ every weekend.
Tips, Tips and Curse
If you are considering dating a married man, you may find it helpful to launch ‘dating a married man’ on Google and read the answers you get. First are the tips on how to successfully date and keep the man married. You’ll also get contrasting advice on why you should re-evaluate your reasons for accepting second-best status. And of course, the answer you expect is also included, the one that judges you as the homebreaker. Interestingly, the advice suggests never press your married man for answers and that you “make the most of the time you have together.” Instead, the council informs you that you are putting your life on hold for a man who already has commitments, so “just don’t do it.” And the view that reflects social, cultural or religious values will let you know in no uncertain terms that what you are doing is wrong, that you will be punished at some point or at least that you deserve to be.
Just a little fun?
Whatever your views on the subject of flirting or dating a married man, they may depend on your circumstances, or indeed your current state. For example, many women openly talk about how, when they were single and socializing, they viewed the married man as a pawn who bought them wine or champagne that they couldn’t or wouldn’t buy for themselves. And married men, well acquainted with this game, accepted it as the price to pay for attractive company for a night. Move on to another type of socializing: the conference. After the event itself, the usual thing is for everyone to head to the bar and ditch a day of presentations and PowerPoints. As the night progresses and the alcohol continues to flow, friendships grow stronger while new ones are created. In some cases, the boundaries become blurred and the opportunity presented for a one-night stand with an attentive married colleague may seem too irresistible to pass up. All kind of funny and meaningless that you might rationalize at the time, but is it really?
Why do men cheat?
According to anthropologist Helen Fisher, men cheat as it is part of their genetic code, a throwback to a time when species survival saw man spread his seed with abandon and no thought of monogamy or, indeed, fidelity. Well, maybe there is some truth to that, but what now? For some men who are married, powerful, or even those with a healthy expense account, a girlfriend is often seen as an asset that represents a perceived elevated status in life. We also have the men we know as ‘players’, he is the type of man who is always open to any opportunity that comes his way. However, for the most part, many men find themselves cheating on their spouse for much more mundane reasons and with little foresight or planning. As an example, take that booze-infused one-night stand at the conference or a night out at a club with friends and some hot women joining the group.
For now, I’ll steer clear of men who play the field, plus those who believe a bride is coming courtesy of American Express; Similarly, I am doing the same with women who actively choose to date them. Instead, I am concentrating on the woman who is simply attracted to the ‘normal’ married man. First, I think it should be said that most single women would never consciously choose a relationship with a married man. However, as I’ve said before, sometimes events, timing, and of course attraction conspire to make things happen differently. Intense feelings of attraction, particularly if they are reciprocated, are often hard to ignore. And when we’re caught up in the attraction, we’re easily seduced by the thrill of anticipation, and life can seem to take on a glow it didn’t have before. It is both an addictive and exciting time and very difficult to walk or indeed run away from.
Secret, lies and limits
However, for the woman who begins a relationship with a married man, she has to prepare for a different relationship. Meeting her new man involves constant secrets and lies. It often means being selective about who you share your relationship news with. Plans for weekends or vacations with her lover may have to be accepted as an option. However, during the initial period of over-the-top romantic love, none of this might matter. Only when those wonderful, heady first days of romance fade do things change. This is the completely natural evolution of relationships as you shift from the adrenaline-pumping infatuation stage and into the calmer ‘attachment’ phase. The relationship is now in a place where a deeper kind of love, connection, and intimacy with a partner is possible. For the woman who has the kind of limiting relationship one has with a married man, she can begin to look for a greater commitment, one that includes a more fulfilling life and future with her lover. For the married man who is still committed to his marriage (this may be his children rather than his wife) it is often a moment of panic, when he feels compelled to make a decision. Most will choose her marriage. And while he may find comfort in plunging back into his marriage, the woman may find herself dealing with the consequences alone, especially if friends and family weren’t supportive of the relationship in the first place.
Find a relationship with potential
Finding someone to have a good relationship with takes time and yes, it can be lonely during that period. However, getting involved with someone who is already committed to someone else is not the answer to fending off her loneliness. If anything, a relationship with a married man can itself be an even more isolating and intensely lonely experience. So before you jump into any relationship know in advance what you want. If it’s a relationship with the potential to grow, one with a real possibility of a future with another, then in the face of an attractive and openly interested married man, remember that and make the decision that’s right for you. Walk away.
